Plans For Building An Outhouse

You Really Can't Fight Town Hall

I exit the building into 90-degree sunlight. I feel like smoking a cigarette. I don’t smoke. I feel like flying down the steps. I don’t fly. Hallucination may be to blame, or a powerful wish to be a kid again, but I think I see Lucy van Pelt on a grassy knoll, sitting with her feet up on her little stand with the 5¢ sign and the words “psychiatric help.”

“Hello,” I say. “Of course you do. But my 10:45 is waiting.”

I turn to see a long line of good citizens disguised as zombies, frayed around the edges, frozen into a state of disbelief and unknowing. They have nickels in their hands. They have P.T.H.T.S.D.: post town hall trauma stress disorder. They all need Lucy. Not that the bureaucrats inside the building are malefactors or mountebanks. It’s just that they have seen applications for a thousand fireplaces and two thousand swimming pools and have a pretty good union and fairly poor motivation and cannot afford to get emotionally invested in any one project.

A copy of the deed is faxed to me and a second application is completed and I return to Southampton Town Hall. Lucy has apparently closed up shop for the day. Being a mirage, even a cartoon mirage, is a part-time gig. Reality is my only companion now. Reality and the dark-haired woman behind the counter who is looking through all of the papers again. She smiles and turns to a computer screen and strikes some buttons and says, “You have an open demo permit.” “A week or two. Can’t say for sure. Not my department.”

I hear someone giggling. I look around. It is me. Nothing humorous has just happened or will happen but I am giggling. I shouldn’t giggle. I remind myself that you can placate more bureaucrats with molasses than vinegar, so I say, as treacly as I can, something like, “Not only do I not understand the relevance of a demo permit at this moment, but we demolished the old night club quite legally, with all permits in place, and built a new restaurant, quite legally, with all permits in place. That’s how we got the certificate of occupancy and a liquor license. That’s how we got to operate for the last eight months without incident or complaint. That’s how members of the planning board have dined at the restaurant. Ask them if we demolished the old building.

How to Build a Modern Outhouse for Your Back Yard that Isn't Smelly

Building an outhouse is not nearly as complex or intimidating as it may seem. All it takes is digging a deep enough hole and placing a simple wood shack over it. Then you add a fully-enclosed bench inside with a toilet-sized hole for seating and voila', you have an outhouse. In the Resources section of this article you'll find a number of links to outhouse building plans for a variety of outhouse designs detailing step-by-step exactly how to build an outhouse for your backyard.

A good-sized hole for an outhouse is about 3'-5' deep and an average outhouse is about 4' x 4' around and 7' tall. The bench, or shelf, should be about 2' wide and 2' high, and of course, completely boxed in. The hole can be about 10"-12" in diameter. Place your outhouse about 50'-150' away from the house. A tip to help keep down outhouse smells is to place it in a naturally shaded area.

For comfort and a more modern look, you can even place a store-bought toilet seat of your choosing over the hole. This serves the dual purpose of adding modern comfort and outhouse bathroom décor and, provided the toilet seat you choose has a lid, helping tamp down outhouse odors. This is just one of many embellishments you can add to ecological outhouses to make them more visually appealing and non smelly.

There are two ways to improve the appeal of an outhouse: adding visual appeal and eliminating odors.

To add some visual appeal to your outhouse designs you can hang shingles, tongue-and-groove, board-and-batting or other simple siding, or you can paint the outside of the outhouse solid white, deep red or even in a colorful nature-inspired design. You can install a window (which can double for ventilation, but I'm skipping ahead) and cover it with a curtain. Instead of, or in addition to, a solid wood paneled door you can install a screen door and enjoy a bug-free view of your yard (provided you've placed it right for privacy).

To make your modern outhouse non smelly, there are a number of steps you can take. Ventilation, for one, is paramount in reducing outhouse odors. A slated window placed high up on one wall is often sufficient to carry odors out of privy, especially if you have a classic sliver moon shape cut into the door to provide a light cross-breeze.

An old-school way to reduce outhouse odors is to keep a bag of lime or lye inside with a cup for sprinkling a bit on top of your waste each time you use it. For a truly ecological outhouse, a more modern alternative to that is to use sawdust or wood chips as they serve the same purpose but also compost and facilitate composting of the waste . Many green public outhouses now exist throughout the nation to provide additional inspiration.

Log Cabin Pioneers, Stories, Songs, & Sayings

The Outhouse Papers, Country Humor and Trivia

American school building standards

Public health bulletin

The Heating and ventilating magazine